Cause of Pain
by Freyaloves
Summary: "I didn't know how much it hurt until you uncovered it." My first Merdred fic :D Rated M for later chapters (And I'll try to update quickly!) This ship is going to hurt me so much but I love it . .
1. Cause of Pain

**_A/N: _**_I know this is completely different from what I usually do. And I've never written gay smut before, so bear with me. It will be multi-chaptered. _

_ If you will, follow me on tumblr at . com, where I take fic requests!_

_ (And if this wasn't satisfactory, please __**R&R **__to tell me why)_

* * *

Merlin wouldn't admit it, but ever since the Knighting of Mordred, he had been terrified of him. This _boy_ would be the death of Arthur_. _And though he loathed to acknowledge it, Merlin also feared Mordred's magic. He had seen what he could do with magic without even moving a muscle as a boy, but now that he was almost a fully grown man?  
Merlin had tried to mask it. Tried to stay strong; the boulder in the raving river. The sane man in the midst of insanity. But if Mordred's eyes were anything to go by, the young Knight knew of his fear. And he exploited it.

On the day the lighting fixture fell on the Round Table, Mordred had jested, "If Merlin is this easily scared of the light, how scared must he be of the dark?" The Knights had laughed. They always laughed. It was annoying.  
Merlin was annoyed. He was annoyed greatly. Mordred was Camelot's biggest threat, and...

... And Merlin couldn't help that twinge in his heart when he thought of him. Mordred, another person who knew of Merlin, knew what it was to have magic, to fear persecution. He and Mordred _were _similar. He hated it, but it was true.  
And then there was the fear that Mordred would reveal his secret because of their past. Merlin had nearly let him die. And the last time he had seen him, Mordred had said, "_I shall never forget this, Emrys, and never forgive." _But then again, he had said recently that he wouldn't reveal his secret...

"This is all so confusing!" Merlin yelled at the walls of the Armory. He fancied that the sound waves bounced off the armor and carried outside onto the training ground where the Knights would looked up, alarmed. You can imagine how shocked he was when just that happened.

"Merlin?" Mordred's clear voice rang out. Merlin saw from the corner of his eye Mordred's head poking around the stone corner of the Armory, his eyes searching the room.

Merlin straightened up and turned to face Mordred. "Hello, Sir Mordred." He said politely.

Mordred's brow creased as he motioned with his hand around the room. "What was that just in? You yelled loud enough for the whole of Camelot to hear you!"

Merlin kept his -albeit forced- smile plastered on his face as he took on an innocent look of confusion. "Was I that loud? Clumsy old me just tripped over a piece of armor and knocked my shin, that's all."

"You're sure you're all right?" Mordred asked. Merlin was sickened (and surprised) to see a worried expression on his face and a worried sound in his voice.

"Fine. I cleared it all up. Everything's okay now."

But the irony of it all was that it wasn't.

* * *

Later that week another incident occurred that put Mordred in the path of the distressing Merlin.

The boy had pulled a muscle in his sword arm and was looking for a remedy from Gaius. Lo and Behold Gaius was out in the lower town healing a sick baby, and that left Merlin alone with his greatest enemy. Of course he could not openly refuse Mordred's request for Merlin to treat him instead. Merlin was, after all, Gaius' apprentice.

"Just have a seat and I'll see what I can do." His words were short; clipped.

Mordred nodded and eased himself slowing into the nearest chair, falling heavily into it at the end. He was trying not to jostle his arm by holding it in his other one, but all that accomplished was him losing his balance. As Merlin started scurrying around the dusty room, Mordred found it fit to start small talk. "So tell me, Merlin. How did you come to be apprenticed to Gaius?"

Merlin pursed his lips, flipping through a book about herbs as he replied distractedly, "Gaius took me in ... too much work for just him ... thought it would be wise if I learned some things. I'm with him all the time so it wasn't like I had a choice."

"You don't like doing the work of a Physician?" Mordred asked. His eyes followed Merlin's active form closely.

"No, no," Merlin's face scrunched up and he bit his lip. He appeared to be reading something from a great big leather bound dusty book. "I like the work. I guess it gives me a non-magic purpose."

"Like something to fall back on if your world crashes and burns?" Mordred asked innocently.

Merlin's gaze shot up and his eyes were unfathomable blue depths as he stared at Mordred. "If my world crashes and burns, I won't need anything to fall back on."

Silence. Long, unbreakable. Tense. Taut. It wasn't until Merlin came to stand before him that Mordred chose to break it. "You know you can confide in me, Merlin. I understand you more than you think."

An angry edge entered Merlin's voice. "You know _nothing." _

"I know more than you think!" Mordred retaliated. But before Merlin could trow out another angry retort, Mordred added softly. "We are alike, Emrys. More than you care to admit, I see." Merlin turned his head in disgust.

"We are _nothing _alike!"

"We are!"

"_We are not!"_

"We are two magic wielding men in a kingdom where magic is outlawed! We've both had to hid our gifts! We've both had many great trials in our life! We both want to protect Arthur! We both -"

Merlin gave out a dubious snort.

"- What?!" Mordred whined. Sometimes Merlin could be so annoying. Why wouldn't he trust him? Why was he acting like he had a stick up his arse whenever Mordred was around? It was infuriating!

But for Merlin to tell him the reasons behind his obvious refusal of Mordred's words could prove fatal. Something in Merlin told him that to make Mordred an enemy again would be unwise. Very unwise. So he let it drop.

"Nothing. I guess you are right. We are alike."

Mordred's eyebrows raised (something, Merlin noted later, Gaius would approve of) and he asked rhetorically, "I never knew you could be so fickle Merlin."

"I'm the fickle one now, am I?" Merlin muttered. Mordred smiled slightly and was going to reply with 'Yes, you are. Changing your beliefs so quickly.", when Merlin said suddenly. "Lift your shirt. I need to see the damage."

"I don't think I can." Mordred said sheepishly, gesturing with a jerking motion of his head his sprained arm.

"Ah, yes. I guess I forgot." Merlin smiled and rapped his knuckles against his forehead. He then proceeded to carefully remove Mordred's chain-mail and cotton shirt. His left arm was a mass bruise of purple and red. "Ouch," Merlin hissed.

Mordred's face crinkled up. "I didn't know how much it hurt until you uncovered it."

* * *

_**A/N: **Guys, I spent all day writing chapter 2, and when I went to upload it, screwed up and deleted it ;_: I SPENT ALL DAY. AND IT'S GONE. And since I go back to school tomorrow, I won't be able to upload it as quickly as I hoped. Sorry :P_


	2. Continuation

_**A/N: **__Well I _should _be doing my Spanish HW, but since so many of you amazing people have already followed it, I decided to upload it anyway :D  
__#If I fail I blame you  
__This chapter follows directly after the first. And as some of you know, I already wrote this chapter on Tuesday but deleted it somehow :/ The original had more Merdred angst, whilst this one does not :P_

* * *

__ "That does tend to happen." Merlin said dryly. He was too caught up in studying Mordred's arm to notice him roll his eyes. "How did this happen?"

"Uh . . . erm . . .Maybe the Knights were a little rough . . ." Mordred revealed uncomfortably.

"What?" Merlin asked, shocked. "The Knights did this to you?"

"They didn't mean to!" Mordred hurried to assure. "It's mostly my fault."

"If the Knights are hurting you, you have to tell them." Merlin said firmly, emphasizing his point by pushing his thumb into Mordred's arm.

"Ow!" Mordred cried. "Stop that!"

Merlin eased up. "Tell them. This won't heal for weeks, Mordred!"

Mordred nodded, though his eyes told a different story. He swallowed a few times before replying. "I didn't tell them before because I wanted to prove my worth."

Merlin stood, going back to Gaius' desk to make a poultice for Mordred. "You need to set your boundaries with them. If you don't tell them when to stop, they won't."

"But everyday my boundaries are expanding!" Mordred said quickly. "I want to get better. I can't if I'm not challenged."

"You won't get better if you can't even swing a sword!" Merlin snapped. He went back to reading instructions on how to make a poultice that would bring down swelling. Then he stood, eyes staying on the page as he moved to another small table where Gaius kept his ingredients. Gathering what he needed, Merlin went back to where Mordred sat.

He was halfway into grinding when a sudden thought occurred to him. "Wait!"

Mordred's eyebrows furrowed. "Yes . . .?"

"Why did you come here? You could have healed yourself."

Mordred's face turned from sheepish to blank in quick succession. "I took a vow."

"A vow?"

"Yes."

"From who?"

"Myself."

"For what?"

"I promised myself I would preform no magic inside the walls of Camelot." Mordred answered proudly.

"Stupid, but wise." Merlin murmured.

"Stupid? This is Camelot!" Mordred argued.

"Yes." Merlin agreed. "_But _what Arthur doesn't know won't hurt him."

"What are you suggesting?" Though Mordred's voice was suspicious, he was secretly glad of how normal Merlin was acting around him. It was as if he was speaking with someone familiar.

Merlin put down the poultice he was making and answered wistfully, "Heal your arm yourself and save me the trouble?"

"I can't." Mordred answered simply.

"What do you mean you can't?" Merlin asked.

"I'm not proficient in the art of healing." Mordred clarified. "It's ironic, really."

Merlin smiled grimly. "Yes, ironic indeed. A Druid who can't heal." As an after thought, he added, "Why is that?"

"After I escaped . . . you . . . I traveled for sometime. I knew of another Druid camp not too far away, and I traveled to them. They sheltered me and fed me. But none among them had magic." Mordred stopped, a faraway look in his eyes. "That camp was pillaged too. I and three others were the only people to survive. They died quickly from disease. What the Druids would have taught me was lost when they died."

"Oh." Well that certainly cleared some things up. Mordred must have taken refuge with the slave drivers after he had been desolated. And destiny had brought him to Morgana, and ultimately, Arthur.

To change the subject, Merlin said, "I might be able to heal your arm."

Mordred's face brightened. "You'd do that for me?"

"I've done it before." Merlin answered gravely. Both men remembered. "But I _should _let you suffer through it." _'I really should . . .' _"But in the hopes of a new start, I'll try to heal your arm."

Mordred smiled slightly. "Thank you, Emrys."

"I only said I'd try." Merlin reminded him. "Healing isn't my strongest suite either." Merlin stood up. "So how to go about this . . ."

Merlin knew some spells for healing, but they never seemed to work out how he wanted them to. They were too basic, too vague. Merlin needed specific spells for healing specific things. And more importantly, he needed to learn how to correctly preform them. And then there was another variable, too. How would Merlin's magic react to Mordred's? Was Mordred's magic still the same, or had it expanded?

"Mordred?"

"Yes?"

Did the Druids ever test your strength?" _'Would using magic even be worth it?' _Merlin's subconscious asked. Using magic would be more of a pain than not. And there was always the chance he could be caught in the act.

"When I was a boy, yes." Mordred said guardedly.

"What did they tell you?" Merlin gazed at Mordred, waiting with bated breath.

"They told me I was one of the 3 most powerful sorcerers to be born since Atlantis sunk." Mordred whispered. He could feel the power of his destiny pushing down on him, and knew this was how it was supposed to be. The wheels of destiny were slowly turning faster.

Merlin made sure to show no emotion on his face.

It was a while before he finally said, "I and Morgana are the other two."

"Yes."

After a moment of thought, Merlin whispered more to himself than Mordred, "The battle for Camelot is about to begin." Then louder, "Whose side will you chose, Mordred?"

"Arthur's." He said firmly and without hesitation.

Merlin nodded, but the wheels in his head were frantically turning. _'The vision I saw in that village . . . Mordred was fighting Arthur. But . . . maybe his destiny is changed?' _

"So now to heal your arm . . ."

* * *

**_A/N: _**_I have a little more already written, but I'll use that for Chapter 3. Thank you to everyone who followed this, and I hope it isn't too OC._


End file.
